Britain must man up and stop reacting to alcohol like a girl according to a report from a Government think tank released this morning. The report commissioned by Prime Minister David Cameron has warned that Britain must get “drink fit” if it is going to keep up with the rest of Europe. Speaking at a press conference this morning Mr Cameron said “We used to lead the world in terms of drinking copious amounts of alcohol and not falling over. Now other countries just see us as a big fanny in terms of drinking prowess.”
The report comes as the amount of young people not handling their booze very well on Friday and Saturday nights has reached epidemic proportions and has made the following recommendations:
1) Start young people drinking from an early age and require all shops to sell special ‘child strength’ vodka
2) Police to increase their drinking on duty so they are better able to empathise with and relate to the needs of drunk young people.
3) A return to compulsory lunch time drinking in the workplace in order to build up a resistance for the evening session.
4) Relaxation of drink driving rules to allow driving when intoxicated as long as the driver stays in first gear
“If people would just start drinking early and keep themselves at a moderately arseholed level then they’re far less likely to be munted like a chimp later on. They’re also more likely to take regular kebab breaks.” Mr Cameron continued.
The move to keep Britain on a tipsy equilibrium has been welcomed by health professionals and senior police officers alike. A spokesman for the National Association of Drunk Coppers told us “Easy. It’s not facking worth it. We’ve all had a drink.”
